Lucinda Bennett

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Sometimes we keep praying and keep praying for certain situations and just like God told Jeremiah..... You can keep on praying but the people have made their choice.  I was given a specific scripture for a specific prayer I was praying.  Isaiah 59:2-4 But your iniquities have separated between you and your God, and your sins have hid his face from you, that He will not hear.  For your hands have defiled with blood, and your fingers with iniquity; your lips have spoken lies, and your mouth hath muttered perverseness.   None calleth for justice, nor any pleadeth for truth:  they trust in vanity, and speak lies; they conceive mischief, and bring forth mischief.  

Everyone these days want to only bring out and say God is love and we are to accept sin because God is love and wants us to love.   Yes God is and does love.   For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son that whosoever would believe in Him would not perish but have everlasting life.  God's word also says "if you love me you will keep my commandments.   Not everyone wants to accept God and His commandments.  They think "I believe there is a God" and that is all they need to do.  The demons believe there is a God and they tremble.  There are those who have hardened their hearts.   They refuse to accept God's word and have turned from it.  The Bible tells us to wipe the dust from our feet and keep going.  

If there is an attack upon you and your situation.  Bind together and demand the enemy to be removed.  It is just like in the days of Moses.  He went before Pharaoh and his heart was hardened.  He knew he could not come against their God and he set God's people free.  Yet even in the celebration of God's deliverance, Pharaoh welled up with evil and sent his chariots after God's people and said they would  surely die.   Does it feel like you reach God's answer but turn around and see evil rise back up against you?  It is not over.  When Pharaoh went out and sent his chariots and army it seemed there was no way out.  Everything appeared impossible.  But God's plan was beyond their comprehension.   The sea rolled back and God's people walked through "on dry ground".  Even in the midst of impossibilities and what seems to be your destruction, God makes a way.   The enemy went through with the sea rolled back but just as God's people were safe God rolled the sea back and swallowed up the enemy.   He will do the same for you!!!   If you are God's child, all you have to do is lay it before Him and then as His word tells us..... Be still and Know that I am GOD!!!

There has been lots of bumps, curves and dead ends in my road the past ten days.  I do not understand but I know I must trust.  I have learned that wavering only intensifies my fear and anxiety.  It blinds my eyes and muffles my hearing.  How can I find my way through if I willfully obstruct my sensories of sight and hearing?  

The desire for children and grandchildren have been one of my prized desires.  So with this I often struggle with "Why don't I have the abundance and the safety of this desire?".  I have shed thousands upon thousands of tears for my children and grandchildren.  At times I wonder when it will all end.  Then I always come back to the gratitude of who I can turn to.  I have certainly learned about the power of prayer.  In the midst of it all, (Every Time),  Jesus is a friend that I can turn to.  I cling to the verses of His love, His understanding, His longing to carry the burden for me and His willingness and longing to fight for me.  

Seven years ago today at 7:02 pm. our family held closely together not with joy and excitement, but rather with despair and anguish as we welcomed into our lives two precious little boys only to grieve and return them back to God.  What was to be the most exciting time of our lives instead brought to an end our dreams and future that we now held in the palms of our hands.  The questions of How?  Why? Where were you? ran furiously through my mind toward God.  To this day you can't help but think what life would be like with my two boys running about and sharing their laughter and oh what joy they would have brought to us all.

I have gained a deeper relationship than I ever dreamed possible with my family while in the trenches through this journey.  Relationships that were challenged and fought for and  survived.  We enjoyed the gift of new joy as we held our granddaughter in our arms 15 months later.  A gift I asked for specifically and received.  A gift that I have had to fight for, pray with and for and hold tightly to protect and love.

I don't understand it and as time passes on I choose to trust in God for my next steps in life.  Not only did my relationships with my family deepen, but also with my God, with my Savior, with my Strenth and Provider.  I have learned not only the Power of Prayer but the Love of Prayer.  It makes me think of the old song......... And He walks with me and He talks with me  And He tells me I am His own.  Oh the joy we share as we tarry there.  None other has ever known.  

Tonight my family and I will gather together and hold each other as we release those two blue balloons as always.  Charlie is the one who holds them with her daddy as we wait for the moment they were born.  At 7:02 they will release them as tears will fill our eyes.  The feelings of love and sorrow blended together as we pray for Jesus to hold them tight for us and kiss them and tell them we love them.  Charlie is now at the age for questions.  Last year at the release she asked if Big Mamaw was there with them.  Oh yes Charlie she is!  She is holding them especially tight for us today.

It has always been my desire to have a large family.  I wanted six children but due to it being necessary to have a hysterectomy at the age of 27 I was blessed with two wonderful boys and unable to have more children.  At one point we thought of going through the process of fostering and trying to adopt.  That quickly came and went and the decision was to be thankful for our 2 boys and enjoy them fully.  Once our boys entered jr high and high school we welcomed a total of 5 additional boys in to our home at different times with the need of housing and someone to love them and help them in difficult times with guidance and love.  Opening our home and hearts was as much of a blessing to me as it was to them.  In addition to this, I was asked by friends of my boys to be their class sponsor during their time in high school.  At first I was just asked to be their sponsor to help out with homecoming and after agreeing to contact the principal I realized this wasn't a help during the current homecoming spirit week, but rather a 4 year agreement.  Yikes!  I would organize not only homecoming, but prom and senior photos, etc.  It turned out to be 4 years with the best group of kids I have ever met.  To this day I am very close with this class of students even though they are all grown with kids of their own.  It was during this time that I struggled with a decline medically and was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.  This group of children drove me to stay as active as I possibly could.  I never told any of them of my diagnosis.  It was truly God's hand carrying me through this time and allowing me to enjoy these children though I would need to recruit more and more help of parents in order to accomplish what was needed to  asure these kids the best  high school years and the lessons of friendship and love.  To this day many are still very close friends and support each other no matter what their "status" in life has become.  Little did I know the huge gift God was giving me.

During this time in my life I obtained of job as a secretary within the school district in Dowagiac.  This gave me the opportunity to have time to fulfill all my obligations with being a class sponsor and able to attend all sporting events for my children.  God took what appeared to be a denial of the blessing of children to an open door for several children to fill my heart.  

As my children grew and adulthood took over and love filled the air, my desire of grandchildren became my prayer of requests.  I soon began to share my new desires to my children that I wanted to have 6 grandchildren.  I had all brothers and always wanted a sister.  My mother had told me when I was young that she was sorry that I had all brothers and that when I got married I could have a daughter.  I would tease her often that she lied to me and that I had boys and no girls.  So now I had to express to my boys that if they gave me 6 grandchildren that I was bound to get a grand daughter.

I was estatic when I learned I was to finally become a grandma and went along with my son and his wife to their first appointment to have an ultrasound of my first grandchild.  I was so excited!  Then they came out from their appt and as I was waiting in the waiting room they were taking their time and acting strange.  Hmmmm, I couldn't figure out what was going on.  They came over and handed me the ultrasound picture and asked me what I saw.  My mouth dropped open and was like.... really?  Twins?  Then I began to laugh.  They didn't understand the laughing.  I told them I had laughed and prayed for twins so that I would know I would have more than one grand child.  They told me to stop praying.

The need several months were so exciting.  Then we found out they were identical boys.  Pawpaw was bursting at the seams.  Then the unexpected devastation the came out of nowhere and tore our family at the seams.  How could we have been so blessed?  How could the nursery be ready to welcome in two beautiful blessings and have that precious blessing be taken.  Instead of holding, rocking and bouncing those sweet little boys came the holding with an unending flow of tears and cries from the deepest depths of our hearts.  How could they be gone as quickly as they came.  This isn't fair.  This isn't right.  It's not ok!  What did I do wrong?  Why is it not ok for me to have the desires of my heart?  

At that moment I had to find within me the strength to be the pillar for my children that they needed.  At that moment I looked at my children, at his brother and his wife and at my husband and I hurt for every one of them.  My husband was so strong for us all even though you could see that everything in him had drained from himself.  Not only did I see that sorrow had consumed every fiber of their being, but they were angry at my God.  

Their anger grew deeper and deeper each day.  As much as I wanted to take it from them, I was trying to rid myself of my own anger.  Fighting the demons within myself so to speak.  I spoke often to my mom who was so worried about me and losing my faith in God and prayed so dilegently for me.  I had my friend Jacki with me almost every day.  She was such a good listening ear through it all.  It took a lot of time to work through the pain and finally sat down one day and told God I was going to write Him a letter.  A letter of request that I wanted more than life itself.  I poured my heart out to Him.  I told Him of how deeply my heart hurt and that I wanted restored to me what was taken.  But this time I felt the desire to ask for a little girl.  A little girl that my heart had longed for.  I went further into my letter and described her.  I asked for a little girl with curly brown hair with brown eyes.  A little girl with a funny sense of humor just like her dad.  I wanted a girl who would bring back my laughter and my joy.  A little girl who would love to sing and share songs with me and fill me with delight.  

It was approximately 3 months later when I received a phone call from my son.  I could hear his wife crying in the background.  He asked if they could come over and that they needed to talk.  Certainly it was ok and soon they were over.  We set at the kitchen table as my son gave me the news that his wife was pregnant again.  I looked in her eyes as she cried and reached over to hold her hands and told her we would walk through this journey together.  I knew in my heart that God was somehow in the midst of this.  I never shared any of this to them, but instead took it one day at a time.  Each step we took together.  I went to every appointment with her.  The day we went to the appointment and found out she would be having a little girl my heart overflowed.  No one knew how powerful of an impact that was for me.  I knew what she would be before I ever met her.  

I became so overjoyed that I immediately began to sew her entire nursery ensamble. Everything from the curtains to the bedset to the princess crown drape that would flow over her angelic bed.  This was my gift directly from the throne of heaven.  God heard me and answered.  WOW!  He cared so much that He gave me my heart's desire.  I had lost so much hope that I had to hold on to His promise in His Word with the faith the size of a mustard seed.  His promises are true!  

I was there for the birth and for each day after.  She is my Little Miss and has brought me more joy than I ever dreamed possible.  Every day I am with her I see that she becomes more and more of the description I wrote God for.  

Today I will be going along to take her to her first day of kindergarten.  She is so excited to go to school.  With excitement I will cheer her on as she walks into this next stage of her life.  Little will she know how her footsteps have walked across and through my heart and that there will be flowing of tears for her grandma.  Tears of joys mixed with tears of saying goodbye to that little girl who is beginning to take that first step of growing up.  Thank you God for loving me so much that you would give such a beautiful gift to your hurting child.  A gift that gives me joy every day of my life.

Each day starts with a choice.  I hear the sound of the alarm and immediately without thought reach to hit the snooze.  I'm not ready.  The second and third sound with the same response.  I force myself to shut it off and sit up on the edge of the bed.  My body goes through the steps that take little to no thought to accomplish.  Although I am currently on a medical leave, I get up and make my husband's coffee and set out his lunch for him.  I hand him his coffee, lunch and cell phone and tell him I love him and drive safe.  I sit on the couch and watch as his truck drives away from our drive.  Before you think to yourself that there is no way I would every get up and do all of that please continue to understand my reasons.

Although I have always been a bit old fashioned and take joy in taking care of my husband and family, there is a much deeper reason I now consciously make the choice to daily follow this routine.  In the back of my mind, I think of holding my grandsons.  I think of holding my mother in my arms and holding her hand and crying please don't go.  Life is fragile.  In the back of my mind I can't help but think "What if this would be the last time I was able to see or speak to him... to my life?"  I want my family and friends to always know and always hear that I love them.  They are 3 small words that are sometimes the hardest words to say.  ......... I love you!  We should all practice to say those words and say them with meaning.

After that moment I have the choice to go back to bed and bury myself in my sorrow (of which I have done more than I would like to admit) or I can get up and choose to move.  Just move.  It is a good way to start on your new journey..... your new life you have been dropped in to.  I have to choose to find my way.  

With both the loss of my grandsons and experiencing my mother leave me, my faith and foundation was shaken.  I won't lie to you.  It was very hard for me to reach out and talk to God and more difficult to get in to His Word (the Bible).  I was angry!  I was confused!  I felt let down and felt lost.  Then I made my choice.  I didn't want to stay in that place.  So I reached out and I began to read and to pray.  It's not hard.  We make it much more difficult than it really is.  You just talk to Him.  First... search yourself.  Acknowledge He is God.  He loves you.  He feels your hurt and He wants to help you.  You must also understand that God did not do this to you.  Let me say that again.... God DID NOT do this to you.  We live in a world of sin.  God has given every person a choice to accept Him or deny Him.  We are also all human and no one lives forever.  Now is where I began my search.  I was raised in a Christian home.  My father was a minister and I have two brothers who are ministers.  I have been a Christian for many years but have always felt less of a Christian than my family.  I had nothing to offer.  Although I have had God open doors of opportunity to minister and sing, I felt unworthy and it seemed that doors would close as quickly as they would open.

Choosing to take a step to follow my detour has been difficult every day.  It is a choice I have to take sometimes several times a day.  I have to be alert.  I listen closely and ask for God to speak to me.  I cautiously act upon what I hear and feel Him say and direct me towards.  When a strong thought comes to mind.... do it!  When you obey His guidance He will direct your path.

I will end with a very popular passage in the bible.  

Psalm 23

The Lord is my shepard; I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:  He leadeth me beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soutl:  He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name sake.

Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies:  thou annointest my head with oil:  my cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

Personally I am walking through the valley "of the shadow of death".  The shadow follows behind or after.  God understands that we are down.  We are in the valley and He promises He is with me.  No need to fear.  He is with me and He will comfort me.  I am finding so much open up to me as I read through the bible again.  There is so much hope and my relationship is growing stronger and stronger.